Stories of my Life

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Meri Maa

Meri Maa

I'm pretty sure that many of you have seen it in the movie. Girl get caught and abused by guy, and at least in Murder 2 no one rescue all of them, maybe one or two. I hate guys who abuse girls. I was a victim of it and so was my mom. My mom is the best mother ever. Yes, true the teenage years were rough but, I am a good, loving, and willing person. I have my faults too, but I am happy to have a caring mother. I am blessed to have her. I love her so much

As the days of surgery get closer for her, my soul pleads for her. I think of her everyday more than before. I take the time out of my crazy busy day, and cry with let her know she is not alone and that I am shedding tears with her too. Not to make her feel sad, but to let her know.. YES, sometimes MOM I get scared too, but we're going to make it. She is the reason I breathe and she is my heart. She is the rose in my garden of weeds. She is my BFF ever when in need. When it was a bad storm, she would always call me in her room on her bed, and let me sleep there with her because I was scared of the winds and thunders that rattled the house. When my little brother would make mud pies and hit each other wrestling, she was always there. MERI MAA.

It hurts me that my dad would hit her when I was younger. :'( I cried so many nights and when I was younger I grew a hatred for my dad.... Then I stopped myself because he couldn't help or could he??? Plus, he played a part in why I was born. He was my anger, my street smarts, and in other ways see him too. I never went against my dad when I was younger. I respected him as much as I did Maa. I honored him, BUT the memories of my Maa being slapped, punched, grabbed stains my mind, my heart. " I HATE U DAD!" I would scream when I see maa cry because of him. I watched her every night staying up in the hall and in her bedroom. Looking over my her, I was her Guardian Angel :)

Damn, dad. Why? We were supposed to be happy, living together forever. You were supposed to make Maa feel like a princess or better than that a QUEEN...You were supposed to make her feel like she was on top of the world, not on top of the table screaming and crying with her hands protecting her face... Just this night, November 5, 2011 at 3:15am in the morning, I heard my mom screaming and coughing in her sleep. I ran into the living room (hall) and I woke her up crying because I knew she was dreaming of her past with you. I should not have that sound/melody of my mother scream in my head. I was scared at first because I thought her cancer was bothering her or that she was sick or something, but it was a bad memory of you :'(((((

Maa please, dont worry. I am here for you more than ever. Cry on my shoulder, live in my heart where its safe, Lean on me when you are feeling weak, I am your tower MAA. I am your first daughter. I am your food, your spirit and together we gleam so bright, God sees us. He gave me to you. He made a match from heaven :) You and Me...

People say that I am crazy because I dont sleep WELL this is why because I worry so much about you. I make sure your heart makes your chest move, and your lungs go in and out with air. If you are hot or cold,  I am by your side with cold water or a blanket and soup..I am watching over you, Maa. Good health to you!

1 comment:

  1. I've said this many times before, but we have so much in common. Would you believe me if I told you that it took me a good thirty years to let go of this anger and contempt that I had for my dad the way he treated my mother and me. Reading this blog of yours made me take a HARD long look at my life and what I went through since then. I do believe that now, that my old man is trying to mend the fence, and I still have this sour taste in my mouth because of the way he treated us. To this very day, he regrets it, but at what cost? Excommunication from the congregation for many years at a time, failed marriages, health gone bad, and being in and out of the hospital after years of alcoholism, drugs, and debauchery. And to this day, even though he's back in good standing with the congregation, a part of me STILL wants to say how much I really hated him for mistreating mom the way he did, how I would be on the tail end of his abuse as well, I even despised him for not even trying to have another child with mom to fill the void I lost when my twin died (when we were born). Though I have step siblings, nothing like having one of your own-I still feel my brother's connection to me.

    My biggest anxieties to this day is that I might end up like him. I pray that I don't for the reason(s) that 1) the reproach on Jehovah's name, 2)my reputation might be tarnished for good, and if there's a chance of restoring it, it could take YEARS of repair-that's time that I don't have, 3)I'll lose the respect of friends and family.

    That's a price too heavy to pay in my opinion.
    It's sad that Adam left us in such a bad state and human livelihood has devalued greatly over the years. In the new world, this won't even be an issue. Satan has got this system in its TIGHTEST grip yet!

    It's just a matter of time before it gets loose.

    I mentioned my dad earlier. My grandfather-before he passed-had let go of his contempt for my dad, my grandmother, and my uncle, even mom had let go of it, even relatives on his side had let go of it, sooner or later I had to let go of it as well, tho the pain still remains...
    I think one of the last times we communicated, you encouraged me to let it go. Like I said earlier, he's regained his standing with Jehovah, but at what cost...?

    I just wish I had the heart to tell him how I really felt about him even though it's water under the bridge now. Every time I think about what you went through and what your mom went through, I think about me and my mom.

    It's funny tho. I always thought that the home was supposed to be a haven for the family. A place of refreshment. Where a man would fulfill his God-given responsibility to protect the woman he loves, to treat her as delicately as possible to the point of putting his life on the line for her. Not to abuse her to the point where she's in fear of her life-esp. when children are present. Even in that man repented for what he done, he's still accountable. PERIOD!

    To this day, even though they were extremely hard on me during my childhood, I still look up to my grandparents for making their marriage work. 60 years until granddad died just days after mom's 57th B-Day (tho we don't celebrate 'em, as you well know).

    Should I get married on this side of Armageddon, I want to be the man my dad shoudl've been when he was younger. He could've avoided the problems that he's having now.

    I really look forward to new world. I trust that you do, also.

    Then these hellacious nightmares that you and I endured in our childhood(s) will be a permanent thing of the past!



Bharatiya =)

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30 years young, an INFP, JW, and happily married. I suffer from binge eating, PTSD, attention deficit disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Life is a battle worth fighting. This is mainly a coping blog but may you find encouragement, hope, passion and survival stories.