Monday, August 27, 2012
Some days we are forced to live without the ones we love. I realized that I have to push myself forward when all I want to do is go back...go back to the days where I sat and thought that my life sucked. I tell you, now. I wish to take it all back. The cussing and yelling at my mom for being born and having to grow up, I take them all back. I would have kept my virginity, never tried to smoke, leave the boys alone, I would do it all if it meant she would be alive to this day and forever. I miss those rainy days when I just wondered how life would get better for me. I still have problems with guys all day. I know I will never stop having those moments in my life.
I realized at 24 years old that living back then was not a curse, but a blessing. Living without my mother has been the hardest thing ever and will be the hardest yet. I yearn for her touch more and more each day that passes by. Days make no sense and when I have the crappiest day ever she was there, when I was flying high on Cloud 9, she was running with happiness and her arms wide just to ensure I had a safe landing. My mom was my protector. I was her shining knight, her blazing zealous warrior. No sympathy, No love, no memories, no concern, nothing can compare to a Mother's love.
Looking at the world today, we kill our parents and parents kill their children. The world is full of hatred, death, pain, and most of all betrayal. No one understands how to love, how to care, when to stop and listen. We take and take and once someone we love passes. We cry and cry and then we turn right back to hatred. How is that helping??
I'm trying to love and give, and take care of my little sister. I work and pay bills and fill my mother's shoes slowly. I never imagined how she felt taking care of the four of us with no help at all. Each meal I don't have, each dollar spent and each night cold, every expense, everything taken for granted, I feel the burden of a single mother parent. My mom kept close to God and held his hand tight. We pulled through each and every night with a fed stomach, peace of mind, serenity and all the warm fuzziness in between the memories. I would look out my bedroom window and think of all the wrong people done to me, but when my mother ashes were in my hands. Revenge was tasteless. I left the world and floated in a parallel universe. A white room. My mind became empty and thus I turned into a robot with the word "Survive" programmed in my heart, mind and head. I had no motive but to find love and find it quick. Step one: "Replace this feeling," Step Two: "Find Mom" Step Three: "Don't Forget Her"
I turned all my mental knots loose just to embrace her. Play with her hair. Help her in the Garden. Hear her say, "Stop picking." Don't cry, Kris. Suck it up...don't let your eyes water. Just breathe. Center, center.
I miss you so much, Mom!
- 30 years young, an INFP, JW, and happily married. I suffer from binge eating, PTSD, attention deficit disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Life is a battle worth fighting. This is mainly a coping blog but may you find encouragement, hope, passion and survival stories.